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Asexuality is all the rage. It’s the next big thing, the asexy new movement du moment, at least according to a new article about asexual hipster David Jay on The Atlantic’s website, and I have to admit I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it nicely dovetails with my own menopausal hormonal depletion (don’t worry, it will happen to you too, eventually), and after one has sucked on a few tens of thousands of cocks in one’s lifetime, asexuality sounds something like a nice, pleasant vacation. On the other hand, it also corresponds a bit too neatly with the new conservative anti-sex bandwagon, the one that has Republican talk show hosts calling women who lobby for health insurance coverage for birth control sluts and Republican presidential nominees slamming contraception for encouraging premarital sex. You only have to look as far as the Twilight movie franchise to spot the contemporary trend, with teen heartthrob Robert Pattinson, the most sexually repressed vampire of all time, promoting endless teenage abstinence with the frightening goal of eternal monogamy with Kristen Stewart. It was much more exciting back in 1980 when horny 15-year-olds Kristy McNichol and Tatum O’Neal competed at summer camp to see who would lose her virginity first. Now that’s entertainment.

I’m not knocking asexuality. I’ve known some very amusing, even captivating asexuals in my day. But let’s face it, asexuality as a popular movement is going to be a hard sell. Most pop entertainment, literature, poetry, comic books, advertising, fashion, contact sports, what have you, are based on sex and romance. Even though we all know that almost everyone exaggerates pretty shamelessly about the frequency with which they have sex—and I suspect the ranks of asexual individuals is much higher than current estimates—asexuals could easily replace homosexuals as the most loathed sexual subculture going. Who knows, “aphobia” could be the one thing that finally unites heterosexuals and homosexuals in mutual and congenial hatred, just as different races and religions are often united in their distaste and disgust for homosexuality. There, that’s putting a positive spin on it.

The Atlantic article shies away from the idea that asexuality could be a health issue. One could easily argue that the sex drive, like hunger, or the desire to waste time watching bad Reality TV, is a biological imperative, something that the healthy mind and body naturally craves. In her essay “No Law in the Arena,” cultural critic Camille Paglia talks about homosexuality being a daily struggle against nature that, ironically, isn’t for sissies—a quotidian fight against the prime biological imperative of procreation. Asexuals, in denying the sexual drive altogether (or claiming it merely doesn’t exist for them), take it to the next level: a full-on Mexican standoff with biology. And by the way, good luck with asexual reproduction.

Finally, what will constitute porn for asexuals? It’s not easy to find nuns in full habit playing beach volleyball. Perhaps they could observe a species of the stick insect genus Timema engaged in parthenogenetic (asexual) reproduction on the National Geographic channel. Or, for something similar but more accessible, simply watch Ann Coulter pontificating on Fox News.

The one thing that I’m really concerned about with regard to the asexual movement is what they’re going to do for entertainment, and here is where I think their argument for no engagement or interest in sexuality whatsoever fails to convince: as a homosexual, I am often amused and entertained by heterosexual sex without being turned on by it in the least. Let me give you an example. A few summers ago in Johannesburg I had the pleasure of attending a club night called Gringo’s, which bore very little relation to any gay bar I’ve ever been to, for two weeks in a row. There was a live sex show featuring female performers who were fingered by the all black and mostly gay patrons, but somehow it didn’t feel exploitative, and certainly not very sexual. The second time I went, members of the audience actually got on stage, put on condoms, and had intercourse with the girls as the audience, which was five or ten percent black female (presumably lesbian) cheered on. (The night was identified on the flyer as “lesbian” night.) I don’t think anything in my Western experience of homosexuality could have prepared me for this, as even the black people from Johannesburg I attended the club with were somewhat at a loss to explain it. All I know is, although I didn’t find it remotely sexually stimulating, it sure was entertaining.?Even David Jay?would have to admit that.

Previously – Has the Whole World Gone Right?